Viewer discretion is advised. Again. (What, are you surprised?) However, there is cause for it in this episode, as a crazy woman takes a knife and does gruesome, unspeakable things to a piece of fruit. Not something that children or those of tender constitution should see.

The Recaps are fairly pedestrian. We relive the glorious bombing of the presidential lectern. Tom sings like a canary. Bauer and Logan invade Russia. I mean, the Russian Consulate. Gredenko is worried that he’s exposed, and nobody needs to see that. Bauer interrogates Markov’s finger. And Jack becomes a prisoner on the Eastern Front.

As we begin, we should note that we’re crossing the halfway point. An optimist would say the season is only half over. A pessimist would say the season is only half over.

Logan enters CTU, doing the familiar 24 perp walk that so many others have done on this show before him. CTU employees stare daggers at Logan, obviously miffed, because he’s the reason they had to work way late last season.

Chloe has to “set transcript codes for the debrief.” What that means, I have not a clue. (And as we’ll see later, this preoccupation with removing pants is something of a theme this episode.)

Logan is taken to some room, and when Chloe enters, he asks “Who are you?” Chloe has a nice little Chloe Scene (TM) here, and answers “I’m just Chloe O’Brien.”

Logan is angry that he is not reclining on pillows while oiled eunuchs fan him with palm fronds and feed him peeled grapes, and Chloe snaps “This really isn’t a cell, and you’re hardly alone.” She also says “I’m feeling ambivalent.” Ah, that’s our dear Chloe. It’s a straight, unimpeded shot from brain to mouth.

Next up, Bill really mixes it around and throws us for a loop and… holds a meeting! The purpose is to introduce the replacement for Curtis. The new head of field ops is Mike Doyle, played by Ricky Rick Schroder. (Poor Rick. He was born with a Silver Spoon in his mouth.) He’s from Ft. Bragg, so I guess we’re supposed to assume he’s maybe former Special Forces. And hence explains why he’s such a joyless grinch on this day when America is threatened by nuclear weapons, not joining in the wacky fun CTU employees have as they shoot each other with squirt guns and silly string.

The gang discusses the raid on the Russkie Consulate to rescue Jack, and Milo correctly asks about the danger of causing an international incident. Mike says the primary goal is really to get Markov and find out where Gredenko is. Jack can become the plaything of an amorous gorilla for all they care.

Bill wants a comprehensive siege profile for the raid. So, uh, what, he wants to know where they are going to place the trebuchets?

And because it’s healthy to have CTU agents at each other’s throats, Milo and Mike have a bad history, going back to “Denver.”

Back on the Eastern Front, we see the Hunt for Red October guy who shot the guy who was going to help Jack. Must have used a buffalo gun, because he shot the guy clean through to the basement. Red October guy calls up Markov and says he is going to terminate the American. Markov agrees.

But while this conversation is going on, and after Jack plants a big wet kiss on the dead guy’s belly, Jack removes the dead guy’s belt and loops it around the baddie’s gun. Jack even ends up dispatching said baddie to the great beyond. While this is going on, the krazy kaptions say “pants”. So, deaf people will think Jack is breathing hard, but really, we’re supposed to worry if the dead guy’s trousers will stay up now that Jack has stolen his belt.

Soon, the basement is swarming with Russkies, all searching for Jack. And they search. And search. And search. Alas, they fail to notice that Jack has wedged himself up into some hidey spot. Confident that they have him cornered, a guard says they have locked down the perimeter. Ha, a perimeter. Since they’re Russkies, it’s probably made of concrete. But this is a basement after all. They can “lock down the perimeter” by just having someone stand on the stairs.

Jack calls Morris, but darn the luck, the Russkie cut off phone access before Jack can reveal where Gredenko. I guess they shouldn’t have wasted time trading torture stories.

And in through here, at least twice more the krazy kaptions tell us that Jack is “panting.” Someone has a fetish with trousers!

Back at CTU, Bill and Logan are talking about how to solve this thorny Gredenko problem, and Logan says he knows someone who can influence Suvarov to lean on Markov. His lip-bibbling insane wife, Martha! And what’s even funnier is that Bill thinks about for about one second… and agrees! Bill thinks this is something the United States government should pursue! Our fate is in the hands of someone who is looney tunes!

Back in the White Bunker, the Veep is nearly drooling he’s so eager to run the Constitution through the shredder, and start implementing Tom’s Not One Drop Of Non-Aryan blood plan. The Veep wants Tom to publicly frame Assad for the bomb that has wounded Whine. Tom seems to agree. Then, in an equally paranoid move, the Veep tells the MidEastern ambassador that the US will hold his country responsible. Whether or not Assad actually was responsible seems irrelevant.

At the first break, which was a long time in coming, clocks are at :15 to :15. Coming back though, the clocks are at :20 to :18. This is a monumental shift in the space-time continuum. Suddenly, polar bears are drowning. Sea levels rise 20 feet. Hurricanes form over Wyoming. The Arctic becomes the new Spring Break mecca. Oh, wait, sorry, I had accidentally switched over to Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth. I thought Jack was looking a little pudgy.

Fayed is out in the high desert, bringing Gredenko the bombs. It seems like it only took Gredenko and Fayed only a couple hours or so to get out to this location, which is aroun 180 miles from LA. That’s a quick trip in the best of conditions. We can only assume the roads out of town aren’t jammed with people fleeing the aftermath of the nuclear bomb.

Bill attempts to convince the Veep to try the siege. I envision CTU camped outside the Consulate for 8 months, trying to starve the Russkies out.

Over at whatever “home” Martha is living in, we see Aaron is Martha’s new boy toy. Martha is in a ratty robe. She’s taken comfort in a nice, safe book/music combination.

Fruit from Mel pleases Martha. She loves Mel’s produce. (Audience can make up their own jokes here.)

Logan calls, and Aaron answers “Martha Logan’s bungalow.” Aaron is rather civil, considering Logan had him beat up last season, and tried to have him killed. Logan and Martha talk, which is a fun scene. These two always were good together, if not good for each other. Martha sqwuaks “This is absurd!” And it is. There is really no point to this digression other than to have two good characters back on the screen.

Logan is going to take a chopper over to the bungalow, and it takes him about a grand total of 10 minutes to get there.

At the break, clocks are at :26 to :24. Coming back, clocks are at :31 to :28.

Now, to add to the absurdity, Martha has about ten minutes to make the call to the Suvarovs, and for the Suvarovs to call Markov, in order to head off the siege.

Oh, I should explain, Martha became good friends with Mrs. Suvarov last season. They talked about oranges. In fact, Martha was such good friends with them, she rode along with them in a motorcade she knew was going to be attacked by terrorists, but she didn’t warn them. With friends like this…

Down in this apparently vast, labryinthine basement of the Consulate, the Russkies still haven’t found Jack. Jack makes his way to a room where some Russkie hanksky-panksky is going on. A man and woman are in there, feeling frisky. He gives her a Baby I’m-a Want You look. She shoots him a I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Bong look. But just before we cut to clips where keys are going into locks, freight trains are roaring into tunnels, and washing machine agitators are furiously going up and down, Jack steps in and ruins their fun.

Jack wants the man to go get him a satellite phone so he can call CTU. The man obliges, and Jack is very lucky the man just doesn’t go tell security where Jack is.

Logan’s chopper has landed outside the bungalow, apparently in a park. As they walk up to the door, they pass some people *playing tennis*! Now, a nuclear bomb has gone off on the north side of town! What kind of people are going to say “Screw that! Let’s throw on some tighty whiteys and go play the tennis!” Marwan had his dance club/grief center. Apparently LA has innovated once again and come up with the tennis court/grief center.

When they get to the door Aaron leans in and says “You’re lucky, you caught her on a good day. At least she’s not smearing poo all over the walls.”

I won’t spend a lot of time on the Logan/Martha scene. It is a delicious scene, but as I said before, it’s pointless to the story. Martha has changed clothes and cleaned herself up.

At the next break, clocks are at :37 to :35. Coming back, clocks are at :42 to :39.

Doyle and his team are near the consulate.

The Ambassador is back in the Bunker, and the Veep threatens him. Says Assad was responsbile. Tom meekly agrees. (Though, the Veep doesn’t explain how Assad would’ve gotten that bomb past all that security.)

Apparently Mrs. Suvarov is giving a speech in Omsk, Russia. Now, given the change in time zones, it’s getting close to 8 or 9 in the morning in Omsk. Who gives a speech at that time of the morning? I picture sleepy Slavs picking at their cold eggs while Mrs. Suvarov drones on about recapturing the feminist dialectic for liberated babushkas.

The Logan/Martha scene continues. What I want to focus on here is the absolutely abysmal security provided by Logan’s escort. Martha was furiously chopping up a kiwi with a knife in the kitchen, AND, there is a paring knife sitting right in front of Logan. Martha is, literally, certifiable, and she is know to be hostile to Charles. So what kind of security agent allows knives to be anywhere near Charles?

Well, of course, it’s necessary so we can have the dramatic Martha Stabs Charles scene. Again, compelling stuff, but pointless. Martha stabs Charles in the upper shoulder, somewhere near the neck. Someone says it must have hit an artery. But if that was so, wouldn’t it be spouting like Old Faithful? If Logan’s shoulder were a Roman gladiator, it would be named “Spurticus.”

At the next break, clocks are at :48 to :45. Coming back, clocks are at :53 to :50.

While Logan slips into shock, they still try to get Martha to make the call. Again, just imagine what the Congressional Hearings will be like once all this comes out.

Suvarov does call Markov, who declines to surrender. So, Suvaros authorizes CTU to lay siege to the Consulate.

The Russkie returns with the SAT phone, but just then, Russian security bursts in with guns blazing. CTU launches its siege, and suddenly it turns into a barroom blitz. Bullets are flying everywhere. Russkies are dropping like it was Stalingrad.

Jack uses up a couple clips, at least. At one point, he puts in a clip, takes two shots, and has to change clips again. I haven’t heard of a two-shooter before. The Old American West would’ve been a different place with that kind of weapon.

Markov is killed in the firefight. But not before he calls Gredenko and tells him to launch now.

Fayed says the drone is ready, and a bomb is armed.

The sun sets, an occasion that is always marked in this show. (The transitions has occurred earlier in past seasons, though. For instance, about 6:11 PM last season.)

Logan is crashing. Is he dead? Does it matter? Will Martha be injected with heavy doses of thorazine.

The episode ends with clocks at :00 to :56.

Number of times Jack says “Now!”: 6
Number of times Jack says “No!”: 0
Number of times a “protocol” is mentioned: 3
Number of times a “perimeter” is mentioned: 9
Number of times a “grid” is mentioned: 3
Number of times Jack says “Drop the weapon!”: 6
Number of times someone says a variation of “Go!”: 15
Number of times someone says “Go dark”: 1
Number of times someone says “I’ll hold my mud.”: 1
Number of moles: 4
Approximate Body Count: 49, plus 12,000 in the nuclear blast, plus dozens and dozens in the terror attacks, plus one coffee table, plus one helicopter, plus one fire alarm, plus one presidential lectern.