Viewer discretion is advised, because you’ll be absolutely plastered by the time this episode is over!

The Previouslies start off on a high note with “Bob Cornell,” but then devolve into a rote recitation of purt’near everything that has happened on the show since Season 2, including webisodes, fan fiction, deleted scenes, spec scripts, and blooper reels.

The recaps did show us Sam’s sad exit from the show, (I’ll never forgive the show for that) but it reminded me of something that this episode eventually remembered, so we’ll come to that at the appropriate time. The recaps end with Dubaku saying “Begin,” and so we do…

Sean has found Emerson’s big wiener mobile/ocean liner/yellow van or whatever that thing is. We’re not told just how they found it, since we never saw the FBI told what vehicle Emerson was in. (But, newbies, I must tell you, this show rarely concerns itself with such details.)

Garofalo now earns her paycheck and recites a page of technobabble without looking at the camera and rolling her eyes. She’s done a back trace, and found a code fragment, and will do a pattern match. Now, folks, I’m a software developer. Granted, I’m not an FBI firewall expert, but code “fragments” do not dislodge from the program and get stuck in computers like a piece of dry toast getting stuck in a back molar.

Janis wants Sean to open up a fresh socket. He snits at her “So, like, what, is it in the fridge?”

We get a glimpse of Taylor and Gedge still sprawled in their post-suicide pact lovers embrace, like Romeo and Juliet.

Gedge: O true coffee shop apothecary! Their paralyzer drugs were quick. Thus with a kiss I die.
Taylor: Oh happy railing! This is thy wall-mounted bracket. There rust and let me die.

Kanin leans on Moss, who really doesn’t need it. He does say though “One of our agents has given her life.” Now, last week, he ripped Sean six different new ones for daring to speak of Agent Walker in the past tense, as no longer a going concern, as bereft of life. Now he’s doing the same thing! Hypocrite.

Cool Bill and the gang are driving up to 546 Adams, the Ritter Building. Jack asks Chloe for building specs! For stats! (What is a building stat, anyway? “Starting at guard, he stands 80-foot-two, and weighing several jillion tons, it’s the Ritter Building!!!!”) Ah, just like the days of old, when no building could keep its secrets from CTU.

We are then inside the Dubaku lair, and something horrible is starting to dawn on me. But first, Nichols is asking how the Operation Slay Ohioans is going. I’m puzzled why Nichols is perfectly down with this whole kill tens of thousands of Americans thing. I mean, he’s an American, isn’t he? Simply because someone offers him money he’s instantly willing to be a traitor and watch tens of thousands of his fellow citizens die? There’s a really interesting psychological profile in there somewhere, isn’t it? But, we’re never going to get to explore what makes Nichols tick, are we?

Now, what is that horrible feeling, just flitting on the edges of my consciousness? It’s the terrifying realization that we’re in just a normal office building, and that Dubaku chose to house his lair there. They, they wouldn’t do something that dumb, would they?

Why yes, yes they would. Walker sidles up to building security in the front lobby and flashes. Badge, flashes her badge. Sorry, I was just contemplating that again. This is a normal office building with security in the front lobby.

Now, if you’re a bad guy, and you have a dozen plus men armed with automatic weapons to get in and out of the building, and you have the kidnapped firewall scientist guy to schlep around, and you’re planning to have the kidnapped Prime Minister of Sangala and his wife brought there… don’t you think it would be wise if you weren’t doing all this in A FLIPPING OFFICE BUILDING THAT HAS SECURITY!!!! But what do I know.

We’ve seen many bad guy lairs over the years on this show. Empty warehouses. Hidden basement rooms, etc… But I salute the show for coming up with a new twist. Nobody would think to look for the guy that has the world superpower by the short hairs just down the hall from Schmidt Plastic Injection Moldings and State Farm Insurance.

Except… it’s not really a new twist. We’ve talked before about how 24 is supposed to be all green. Well, this show is certainly green in that it frequently recycles swatches of previous seasons. If you recall, in Season 4, Marwan’s first Big Idea was to use some kind of super electronic doohickey thingy to hack through the firewalls and into 100 nuclear reactors and cause them all to melt down. (US security sure didn’t learn anything from that, did they.) Well, in the 5-6PM episode, Jack tracks Marwan down at the offices of IDS Systems. Marwan is in some cubicle, fiddling with his magical hacking device. Sigh.

So, yeah, here we are walking through office hallways. Past lawyer offices. (Ok, I can believe lawyer offices being involved with terrorists.) Jack and his team are roaming the roof. The krazy kaptions say “hissing,” for no reason that I can detect.

But, now, let’s have some fun, because I want to introduce you to something. Let’s all play…. the 24 Copy That Drinking Game! Yes, friends, here’s how you play. In this episode, every time you hear someone say “copy” or “copy that,” Take a drink. And no driving home.

Chloe has Matobo’s location. Copy that! *drink* We know what floor they’re on. Copy that! *drink* *hic* hahahahahaha!

Once we’re in the building, and in an empty computer room. Jack gives us a “we’re in.” Well, Jack was confused by the fact he was in a computer room, and forget that on this show “we’re in” is reserved for hacking into an actual computer. He can be forgiven though, as it’s another copy that! *drink*

Chloe tells them they’re above a crawl space the size of a basketball court, and directs them hither and yon past duct and don. (Hey, couldn’t think of something buildingish that rhymed with yon.) Seriously, do office buildings typically have eight feet of space between floors?

Another Copy that! *drink* *pause* gaaaaahahhh! *snort* it’s coming out my nose! hahahahahahahahahahahah!

We’re back to the Matobos. Ule wishes he hadn’t brought the wife. (And haven’t we all been there before. Am I right, guys?) The wife says “It was not your decision, Ule.” I guess we know who wears the pants in that family.

Back to the FBI, where Janis can live without Sean’s negativity today. Amen, Sister Janis. Janis has figured out that the dry piece of toast refers to Kidron, Ohio. And that the only thing of interest in Kidron is actually in the next county.  Janis will attempt to contact the plant manager. We see a list of names on the screen. Joe Sharpe, Eric Guerin, Jay Herron, Bruce DeAragon, and so on. Running these names through imdb, I’m betting these are some of the 24 production crew. But, Janis doesn’t want to call them. (She can just yell over past the camera at them.) She calls John Brunner at 937-555-2095, or 0223. Thank you, Lord, that Brunner doesn’t have that same FOX fan line number from last season.

She speaks to someone, says she’s from the FBI, and then says “Does that sound vaguely important to you?” After telling the plant manager what his plant does, he says “I know what it does, honey.” The plant is filled with methyl isocyanate. An insecticide, apparently. Suddenly, the plant manager realizes he can’t manage the plant. (There aren’t manual valves someone can go turn?) Janis orders an immediate evac. Why is an FBI tech geek directing emergency operations here?

At the first break, clocks are at :14 to :14. Coming back, clocks are at :18 to :17. Time loses all meaning. Mean loses all timing. Heh heh. *snort* HAHAHAHAHAHAH COPY THAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Prez is working on a speech. There’s nothing more exciting than watching speech writers club each other senseless with a thesaurus. Thankfully, They Call Me Tim enters and briefs the Prez. They have less than 15 minutes before Kidron Ohio is going to be free of mosquitoes for the next 8,000 years. Kanin reiterates the main plot points for us.

Back at the impregnable fortress office building, the krazy kaptions give us a “Copy that” even though we hear Jack saying “We’re moving as fast as we can”! Even the krazy kaptions want to play! everybody drink! *drink* WOOOOOOOOOOO! YEAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PAAAARRRTTTTAAAYYYYYY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ah, I see they brought that snaky cam thing with them. Jack switches to night vision. They see three armed guys and three more at computers or whatever. Class, that is a total of… ? Six! Yes, that’s right! Very good. Remember that, though. We’ll come back to it.

Now, there are more copies flying around than in a university campus Kinkos before term papers are due.

Tony: Copy that!
Jack: Copy!

Drink! Drink! Drink! *drink* WOOOO GAAAAHHHHHH!  Hey, hey, watch how far up my nose I can stick these pencils! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Snaky cam has revealed an S-dart processor.

Back at the Fibby, Janis wonders if John Brunner flashed the memory. Brunner calls her honey again. Janis is beginning to get a bit steamed about the whole honey thing. By this point, though, I’m thinking gee, Janis sure knows a lot about the operation of industrial chemical plants.

The plan apparently is to release all the toxic gas into the big room where Brunner is. Because he’s only the plant manager, and not someone who knows anything about the plant, he has to ask Janis for the emergency valve release sequence. (It’s 2-8-7-4-3. I’ll bet the writer is turning 43 on July 28.)

Oh yeah, we’re told the tank is going to rupture because the pressure is reaching 400 psi. My erstwhile guest critic Paul Foth pointed out,

You did notice that the gas tank was getting dangerously close to rupturing at 400 psi, didn’t you? That’s less than four times more than a racing tire on a bicycle. What was this tank made from, old soda cans?

Back at the criminals mountain redoubt office building, Nichols gets an alert from 20 freaking minutes ago, showing Jack and the gang on the roof! Ha! What a great security system! “Oh, you mean you wanted to know about a security breach immediately? Sorry, dude.”

The krazy kaptions say “low beeping” but I didn’t hear anything. Then, the krazy kaptions spell Matobo as “Motobo.” I think the krazy kaptions are hammered.

Bill says… Copy! Drink! *drink*  YEAAAAAHHHHh AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! OK OK, NAKED LIMBO UNDER SHELLEY! HOLD HER UP! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

And, then Jack and the gang go in shooting. Machine gun fire is everywhere. It’s a miracle none of our good guy heroes receive even a tiny tick. But, the baddies are mowed down by the dozens. Yes, well, at least one dozen. Remember before Jack saw only six guys? Well, in this shootout I counted thirteen bad guys shot down. Note to self. Do NOT let Jack do recon next time.

Oh, oh…. Jack says… “Copy!” DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYAAAHHOOOOOO YES! I LOVE YOU! AIR GUITAR CONTEST! WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT NO, WE AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE

Oh, and of course, in the tradition of the great Marwan himself, who escaped *five* times, (setting the current world record) Dubaku just waltzes out of all that gunfire and escapes with the CIP device.

Maybe. This is rather confusing. He said he wanted it to continue the attack from another location. But, Tony sees… something, it was too dark to tell what. Was it a broken CIP? An empty socket? Did Dubaku have a fake broken CIP handy just for this sort of emergency? Show, it’s your job to tell us these details.

At the break, clocks are at :28 to :26. Coming back, clocks are at :32 to :30.

At the Kidron plant, things did not end well for the plant manager. He was a hero, though.

Back to the headquarters for the Legion of Doom office building. Actual office workers are milling around outside the building, wondering why World War III was taking place on the third floor. The krazy kaptions say “people clamoring.” I’m clamoring for an explanation of how Dubaku got his operations set up in this office building! How did he get all those data lines, so he could hack into the firewall? I know, let it go.

Jack: Copy that! WOOT! WOOT! OK, EVERYBODY DO SHOTS! YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH WOOOOOOOOOOO

Phlox! He’s still around! Alas, but not for long. Dubaku is as prepared as any villain on this show usually is, for luckily he has explosives with a remote detonator just sitting around so he can wire up Latham and blow him to smithereenees when Jack and gang enter. But, all survive. Well, except for Latham of course.

Jack says the CIP was destroyed. Now. Wait. Unless he thought Latham was the CIP, why would he say that? Did he see it?

Jack: Copy that! DRINK! Ooooh, my head hurts, I don’t feel so good. I, I…. *blooaaahhhhhharrrppppp*

Dubaku now just wanders down the stairs and out of the building along with all the other clamoring office workers. Ok, now that’s the only reason for having your lair in an office building. Use the other cubicle sheeple as cover for your escape.

At the Fibby, Moss chews out Sean. Again. And then, looks at a photo of Walker with “Agent Missing” prominently displayed in red. That photo, though. This is not your average government worker boring id shot. No sirree, this is a hot Hollywood glamour head shot! Rrooowr. I want to work at this FBI.

At the break, clocks are at :38 to :36. Coming back, clocks are at :42 to :40.

Taylor is still napping. In the Oval Office, the Prez says “Dubaku’s already downed two planes.” Except the krazy kaptions say “”Dubaku’s already down two planes.” like Dubaku is playing a poker game, and shouldn’t have bet those two planes on just a pair of fours.

Finally, Kanin tells President Cherry that her husband is a nut case and has been on this quest involving Sam and Roger. Kanin says “I probably should’ve told you before” but the krazy kaptions say “I wouldn’t get worried just yet.” Wow, the kaptions are so gone, man! Blotto! Blitzed! Pie faced!

Ok, now we get to the bit about Sam’s apartment that had me confused. You see, Vossler has been sitting outside the whole time. He’s been out there now, what, 40 minutes or so since Gedge last talked to him. He’s gotta be wondering what’s going on in there. How long does it take to get rid of some girl and a paralyzed First Husband? But, he stood his post and just waited. Till now. He hears radio chatter that the Secret Service is coming. A dramatic Charlie Zero Charlie code is given. The krazy kaptions repeat it but we don’t hear anything.

Inside, Taylor can finally move! He gets to his feet and staggers around like a zombie. Must have watched the great Tony and how he does it. But, Vossler is on the run, enters the apartment and can’t decide what to do with Taylor. Dubaku solves the problem. He wants Taylor brought to him. He may be down two planes, but one First Husband will get him back into the game.

At the break, clocks are at :48 to :45. Coming back, clocks are at :52 to :49.

And now, I must laugh. Taylor is being marched down the hall, gagged! Does no one else live in this building? How do you get the First Husband out of an apartment building and stuffed into a trunk without anybody seeing? Ok, if it were Bill Clinton, I could understand. If someone saw him coming out of Sam’s apartment, they’d just wink and nod and say “Oh, the hound is after the foxes again. And he’s probably gagged because he had a cigar that’s been who knows where.” But anybody else?

Now, Bill and the gang know how to construct a lair. No silly office business for them. They’re back, and Chloe says it’ll take 20 minutes to task a satellite. Bill snaps her head off for no good reason. As for the satellite, we’ve seen this many times before, too. The time it takes Chloe to get a satellite is directly proportional to the time the plot needs to keep her busy.

The gang now argue about how to proceed. Jack wants to bring in outside agencies by contacting the government. That would pretty much be inside agencies, wouldn’t it? They agree to call the President, and Matobo tells her the CIP has been destroyed, merely taking Jack’s word for it.

They will come to the White House, and the Prez tells Kanin to bring Matobo in through the south entrance. Huh? The south entrance? The south side of the White House is that big lawn.

Tony isn’t going to go with, though. He’d get arrested. Jack wants him to face the music, and says “we’ll stand behind you.” Yeah, having a guy that’s being nailed by a Senate Committee and who is currently on the run from the FBI and is suspected of aiding terrorists is just the sort of help you want in your corner.

And now, Dubaku is somewhere. Is this his apartment? What kind of apartment has smoked glass windows on the front door? Some dame comes to the door. Apparently Dubaku has been taking time out of his busy terrorist schedule to woo the fair Maria from the diner.

Dubaku wants Taylor brought to the back of a Korean grocer across the street. Are the Koreans in on it too? Won’t they wonder why Africans are suddenly lugging First Husbands into the back? (On a fond personal note, I imagined a Korean grocery playing a role in Season 6.)

This episode is stone drunk and passes out face first into the lettuce with the clocks at :56 to :00.

Number of times someone says a variation “Now!”, “No!”, “Move!” or “Go!”: 17
Number of times a “protocol” or “grid” is mentioned: 5
Number of times a “perimeter” is mentioned: 7
Number of times Jack/someone says “Drop the weapon!”: 5
Number of torture scenes : 3
Number of moles: 3
Approximate Body Count: 28, plus one security camera, plus two planes, plus one cable, plus numerous glass doors