Viewer discretion is advised because impressionable people will think they can hold their breath around bioweapons and be perfectly safe.

The Recaps are all about conflicts in relationships. Reporter Guy badgers Kanin and they talk about Rogue Jack. (Which, needless to say, is redundant.) Kanin and Olivia go at it. Uh, I mean, they bicker and argue over who betrayed who. Walker tries to flee but Larry runs the tightest hallways in DC. He says “Miranda-ize her” or “Mirandize her.” The krazy kaptions are confused though, and have it as “Mirandizner.” Ah yes, Schlomoe Mirandizner, he had the best pirogie joint on the East Side.

The whole Jack and the Senator and the Juma and the bioweapon thing. Ya know, I’m still confused as to why we first heard about all this last week. I mean, if Jack knew that Juma was testing a bioweapon, then, wouldn’t Jack have loudly said something the instant he heard that Juma was planning an attack? In DC? On an important target?

As we begin, the usual incredibly fast 24 emergency response team is on the scene. The Senator was killed minutes ago, yet the house is already crawling with crime scene folks.

Larry calls Kanin, and has bad news for him yet again. Soon Kanin is going to start looking at the caller id and just letting it ring when Moss calls. They squabble over who’s more to blame for Jack (apparently murdering the Senator.) Larry says “You are not going to lay this at my feet.”

Lots of phone calls in this episode. Jack calls Tony and gets him up to speed. Jack’s hand is still bloody, though doesn’t seem to be gushing like it was just a few minutes ago. Jack is a fast clotter. Jack tells Tony to meet him by an access road by the port. How does Jack know the DC area so well?

The Prez has a conversation with the now awake and recovering First Husband. Hubby is so out of it, he thinks Olivia being back in the White House is a good thing. Kanin comes in just after this conversation and says “Henry’s a lot tougher than anyone thought.” The Prez doesn’t seem to notice the implied insult.

Alas, the Prez is not going to get a happy ending to her day. Kanin wants to resign to protect the Prez. The slavering, baying hounds in the media will be in full-throated roar when it gets out that Jack (apparently) killed a Senator.

Kanin says “Not even Olivia can control it now.” Why does he ascribe to her such powers, when she’s only been in the White House for a couple hours? He also says “The political knives will be out.” A whole lot of real knives have been out lately, too.

Jack and Tony have already arrived in Egypt and are at the Port of Alexandretta. Oh, wait, that’s Indiana Jones. I mean Alexandria. And, oh, they aren’t in Egypt. I guess they’re still in DC. Darn, I was looking forward to dancing harem girls. Jack has that sniper rifle he used earlier in the morning at that airport with the Matobos.

Carl the Security Guard is on the phone with his pregnant-with-twins wife. (And it’s Trip from Star Trek: Enterprise! First Phlox, now Trip. It’s  a reunion. He also played Michael in Stargate Atlantis in quite a good role.) He hears something. Krazy kaptions say “dull thud.” Hmm, must be the plot falling over. Oh, it’s just Jack. (Was Jack the dull part, or the thud part?)

In true Jack fashion, for all he knows this is just some hapless security guard, yet he puts a gun to the guy’s head and starts demanding things.

At the first break, clocks are at :12 to :12. Coming back, clocks are at :16 to :15. Pieces of Time flake off and fall to the ground with a dull thud.

More Starkwood goons. They’re waiting for the Now Not So Mighty Quinn. And now, Jonas Hodges will go to a…. board meeting! This oughta be good.

Or not so much. He doesn’t even impale someone with a butcher knife in the middle of the table to make a point. He just preaches to the choir. However, Doug urges compliance with Congress. He senses Hodges is so far off the reservation, he won’t even be able to legally put a jar of pull tabs by the front cash register.

(My erstwhile guest critic Paul Foth reminded me why Doug was so familiar. He played Hank Jennings in Twin Peaks! Also, an intersection in Twin Peaks was Sparkwood and 21. Sparkwood, Starkwood. Coincidence? I think not.)

Now, I want to stop here for a moment. As near as I can tell, Starkwood is mad at Congress of interfering in their lucrative private army business. So, what is their response? Do they run out and get a lobbyist? Do they hire high powered lawyers? Do they mount a PR campaign? No. They go out and find some African dictator who will let them develop and test a BIOWEAPON. And they help this goon mount an attack on the WHITE HOUSE, but only after using some kind of chip to CRASH PLANES AND MELT DOWN CHEMICAL PLANTS. And, they will use this bioweapon to ATTACK THEIR OWN COUNTRY!!!!

Does this not seem like a slightly irrational, slightly overdone response? You wonder why I snark at this show? This is the reason.

Also, speaking of Stargate, for a time there was a character named Jonas Quinn. See how everything fits together? It’s a mysterious universe we live in.

Anyway, back at the port. Carl reveals that he is helping these guys take something out of the port. He thought they were just bringing in electronics. He was just going to open the gate and look the other way. In true Jack fashion though, he wants to send Carl running straight into the meatgrinder. Carl is to go out and continue with the charade.

Jack can’t call the FBI because apparently communications are being jammed. I’ not sure how you jam a land line though. And the baddies cleverly did not jam their walkie talkies.

Carl nervously says “You got my back? Promise me.” Jack promises, while Tony looks at Jack like he’s thinking (and he is) “You moron, you know Carl is a dead man.”

Consider that, PhD students, when you’re writing your disserations on Jack as hero. He’ll knowingly lie to this guy, who has a wife and twins on the way, and send him out to die just because it serves Jack’s purpose.

But, perhaps in Jack’s morality, he didn’t really think he was lying, because he wants to put a listening device on Carl’s back. So, when he promised he had Carl’s back, Jack could rationalize that he was talking about the device.

At the break, clocks are at :25 to :23. Coming back, clocks are at :29 to :27.

Mr. Stokes can smell fear. He wonders why Carl is so nervous. Carl will ride along with them to the container. Tony tells Jack what he already knows, that Carl was dead the minute he stepped out that door.

At the Charred and Smoking House, Olivia goes to say bon voyage to Kanin. Kanin the wise guy says “I appreciate the courtesy if not the sincerity.” He tries to give Olivia some advice, which I think is a little like trying to teach a manatee to play the flute. And as we suspected, Olivia calls Ken the Reporter Guy. She really did leak information to him. Ok, why would she put out this story that will damage her mother? Remember, six hours ago, she was a lobbyist and had no idea she was going to be working in the White House. The instant she’s in, she starts leaking damaging info and staging insurrection? Oy.

At the break, clocks are at :34 to :32. Coming back, clocks are at :39 to :36.

Moss calls Walker, who is in Holding. Walker must have used the FBI showers, because remember she was swimming around the Potomac a couple three hours ago. I don’t understand why Walker is so reluctant to tell what she knows. Moss knows about Jack now, the Senator is dead.

Back at the port, some of the other goons are named Reese, Mitch, Cooper. (Cooper was the FBI guy in Twin Peaks!)

Tony does not want Jack to start an argument with these guys. Yet, they see a goon marching Carl off to be paid, I mean, executed. Jack wants to do something about it. Tony says “It’s 2 against 10!” As Jack takes aim at the guy, he says “2 against 9.” Ha!

Tony the Vulcan says ” but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one!” Jack says “why you inhuman, green-blooded…”

Jack starts firing. And it turns into a bar room blitz. The man in the back said “everyone attack!” “go red!” Must be a Cornhuskers fan. Jack says “engage!” (N gauge is a certain kind of scale for model trains. Why is Jack playing with his toy choo choos at a time like this?)

The baddies manage to get the container on a truck, and the truck starts to make its escape.

Tony is to take the east flank, which apparently is ten feet away from Jack. Then, we see that Jack is indeed a fan of Indiana Jones, as he jumps on the truck, comes through the door, punches the guy and tosses him out.

Tony is captured by the baddies. Mr. Stokes says “I know you. You’re in Emerson’s crew.”

Jack is now in control the truck and crashes through the gates.

Uh, Breaker One-Nine, this here’s the Rubber Duck, you got a copy on me Pig-Pen? C’mon. Uh, yeah 10-4 Pig Pen, fer sure, fer sure. By golly it’s clean clear to Bethesda, c’mon.

Well we laid a strip fer the Maryland Shore An’ prepared to cross the line I could see the bridge ‘as lined with bears But I didn’t have a doggone dime I sez Pig-Pen, this here’s the Rubber Duck  We just ain’t a gonna pay no toll  So we crashed the gate doin’ ninety-eight…

At the break, clocks are at :49 to :46. Coming back, clocks are at :54 to :50.

Jack calls Smokey, I mean, Larry.

Uh, breaker Pig-Pen, this here’s The Duck, Uh, you wanna back off them hogs 10-4, ’bout five mile or so, 10-roger Them hogs is gittin’ in-tense up here.

Alas, Jack isn’t going to make it to the rendezvous. He notices the container, which, remember, contains a bioweapon, is cracked open, and Jack hears hissing.

So what does Jack do? Sigh. Do I have to continue? Ok. Jack remembers the time he held his breath and ran through nerve gas, so he figues a little bioweapon can’t be any worse. He flings open the door, takes a deep breath, and shuts off the damaged canister! Oy.

Alas, a helicopter shows up out of nowhere, drives Jack off, and flies the bioweapon out of there. I’ll give the baddies credit for improvising. They had no idea they were going to need a helicopter, yet they had the foresight to bring with them someone who could pilot a helicopter.

Jack tells Larry he was exposed. Ok, moving quickly past the mental image that brings to mind, the DOOR was open. Does he think the little bugs are too afraid to leave the container? He just exposed half of Virginia.

This episode chokes and develops a severe rash with the clocks at :00 to :56.

We gonna catch ya on the flip-flop This here’s the Rubber Duck on the side We gone Bye, Bye…

Number of times someone says a variation “Now!”, “No!”, “Move!” or “Go!”: 62
Number of times a “protocol” or “grid” is mentioned: 12
Number of times a “perimeter” is mentioned: 11
Number of times Jack/someone says “Drop the weapon!”: 7
Number of torture scenes : 6
Number of moles: 6
Approximate Body Count: 72, plus one security camera, plus two planes, plus one cable, plus numerous glass doors, plus one finger, plus vintage bottles of methane